Thirty Seventh / My Man

Look at this handsome man here. 

This is Atuk when he was 25. This young man is my paternal grandfather. But to tell you the truth, in reality he is as good as a father to me. Yeah he is somewhat the only father figure role I have in my life. I am like his youngest daughter - think of me as an accident baby gitu. 

He was there when I was born. Parents went separate ways when I was five months old and Atuk and Uwan (my grandmother) took me under their custody. He raised me well, treated me like a total gem, fed me with all the nice things in the world (literally) and provided me my wants and needs. 

Thanks to him, I grew just like every other girls. 

When I was 4, he sent me to a kindergaten called "Tepuk Amai Amai" in Kampung Tunku. I was so attached to him (being the eldest grandchild of the house, I always make things go my way) so I made sure he did not go out of my sight. The first few days, he sat next to me in the classroom throughout my whole class. The next few he sat at the back of the classroom and left. He made sure I did not see him leave - I was a wailer - the moment I see him leave I will end up wailing his name. That somehow broke his heart and made his knees go week (I validated this with him when I was 10). The next week, he stood outside of my class for a few minutes before he leaves. After awhile I managed to grow out of it and was accustomed to not seeing him around in kindy. 

Nonetheless, he was there. 

When I was in Standard One, he walked me to school everyday without fail. At the age of 65, he was still strong and steady, alive and kickin.

On the first day of school, I sat next to the window near the classroom door. He was next to me, standing outside the classroom, separated by blades of glass on the window. I was scared. Everything was new and different to me, all I see was strangers, different unknown faces and he knew I was very scared.

He handed me his left hand through the window blades and held my hand until the class teacher asked us to introduce ourselves. I said my name out loud and we started playing games.

He left when he saw me jumping around like a mad cow with my new found classmates. I did not realize when did he actually leave the school compound. 

Nonetheless, he was there. 

When I was in high school, he would send me to school and pick me up every single day without fail. Kampung Tunku / SS1 was a close-knit small neighbourhood - everybody knew everybody so he even send some of my friends home along the way. At a golden age of 72, he was still very healthy. He could still drive and walk - we even played badminton together!

He was still there for me. 

When I was 15, Atuk accidentally cut bruised his small toe - he accidentaly clipped more than he should. It was just a small cut. Few days later the wound worsen and started to smell. 

Few weeks later, he had his left leg removed at 74 years old.

I was there for him.   

He was devastated. We helped him out throughout the whole healing process. Thankfully, with the help from Uwan and tones of unconditional love from our family, he managed to move on, live and let live. He practiced walking with his new leg, learnt how to drive again and he succeeded. 

Few years later, I was enrolled in college. I was (still am) under his care. He slowed down a little. He stopped driving alone because his vision started failing on him. It could be caused by his age, but he was still a very happy man.

During my diploma years in Melaka, everything remained normal. After 18 years of being under my grandparent's care, that was the first time I actually lived outside my house. I was away for three years but of course, I go back every Friday and during my last semester in diploma, I actually drove KL-MLK on a daily basis. Oh, the effort. 

Uwan and Atuk would call me everyday without fail just to listen to me rant about things that they don't even understand. But they listened and they cared. 

We were there for each other. 

When I entered Degree, the first few months were fine. However, one day, his right foot became swollen. We took him to the hospital and they said everything would be okay and gave him this medicated cream to reduce the swelling.

Few days later, small bubbles started popping out from under his skin around the affected area and and one of it burst, accidentally.

The next week, he had his one and only leg removed. At the age of 80, Atuk became a no legged man. But he was strong and tried his best to keep himself on the ground.

We were all there for him. 

Then, things just changed. It was my turn to feed him, push his wheelchair for him, put him to sleep every night, whisper stories in his ear, held his hands and everything else.  He was vulnerable. 

He gets easily confused too. Sometimes he doesn't even know where he is. He tend to speak about things we don't understand. He even called me by my dad's name once. 

"Zul! Come here aku nak cakap something kat kau ni."

I was crushed. Devastated. Whatever happened to my healthy happy old man? Where is my hero?

He stopped eating properly, no matter how much we try to persuade him. He simply stopped trying. It was a start of his downfall. 

Today, a year has passed after the amputation of his one and only leg. The doctor just told us this morning that only 15% of his heart is working.

Only 15%.

The last time we checked (which was a year ago) it was 50%. In 12 months, it has decreased tremendously. Both his lungs are affected too.

His skin became flaky and really really dry. It tears easily so he bleeds unnecessarily. Things are getting really hard. We need to transfer him from the wheelchair to his bed, or the sofa, and in order for us to do that, we need to grab him tight because the last thing we want is to see him fall. 

But his skin is tearing apart. How are we supposed to deal with this. I can't bear the sight of him bleeding everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I really mean everywhere. 

Atuk, my first love. All I want from you is to stay strong, please. We need you, Atuk. I need you. I cannot imagine life without you. No. I know you are devastated with the condition of your health but please Tok, for me. Be strong for me. For Uwan. For all of us. 

I have never failed you. 

Please do not fail me. 

I love you.