Seventy Six / Catch Me, Off Guard

Assalamualaikum.

Today is the 4th of Ramadhan, 1434 Hijr. Ahlan Wa Sahlan, Ya Ramadhan. Ramadhan, Al Khalas. Well this is also my first Ramadhan without a lot of familiar faces. A lot of them. For instance, my grandfather, Arwah Atuk. It breaks me inch by inch whenever I see Uwan weep silently in her room. I should be doing something about it. I should ease her pain. I should at least motivate her to move on.

And then I realize I should stop, because I am making it even harder for her.

Who am I to stop her genuine feelings? I miss him too, you see. We all do. Well of course, Uwan and I we are standing on two different stances. But, sometimes I just wish she would try and give it a shot. There is no point. Atuk is gone. Yes. Gone physically. But not mentally, or emotionally. I know he is still here somewhere. Just not physically. Then again, Uwan and I, we are standing on two different stances. We look at the same object differently. I cannot understand what she is going through, simply because..

I do not have a husband.

I have not been feeling myself lately. It caught me off guard. Something is just (horribly) wrong somewhere. I cannot seem to put my finger on it. 

Kidding.

Of course I can. I know what it is. I jolly well know what it is. I am either;

a. In denial.

b. Stupid

c. Unaware

d. Insensitive

Oh not forgetting..

e. ALL OF THE ABOVE

*circling e*

Why? I am just in denial about pretty much everything. Any recurring or occurring happenings at the moment. Almost everything. I need my self-realization moment again. Ah. to hell with that. What self-realization am I talking about. Indecisive. Annoying. Inarticulate. Whiny. Impatient. Unresponsive. Not open to challenges.

Okay. It is not that I am not open to challenges. But how am I supposed to open up if what I wanted to do was something else, then given something else, without having a proper understanding on what that something else is about? People always say 'Alah we get what we don't want, life is basically that,'. Okay, but not when it comes to your career.

"Out of nothing all... Out of nothing at all.."

Yeah that song has been on repeat. My office, I tell you, they have the weirdest song list ever.

Today is Friday. This is the first time I managed to score myself a seat, big time. After 5 days of working without any proper chair or table to sit or to write on, boss decided I should just have a seat. Wait, let me type that again. Boss decided I should just have her seat. Yeah. Her seat. And her table. And her laptop. And her room. *air fist*

Hey, what I realized is that, no matter what you want to do in life, you got to love it. Or at least, learn how to love it. I know people jump from one thing to another, like studying something different and ended up doing something really different as a career. But all these can only happen successfully if you end up falling in love with the scope, or you happen to have interest in. Doing something out of your willingness would just demotivate you over and over again, and you will end up being me, who is now in a mess. I was never like this, I tell you. It is the withdrawal syndrome. It is. It sure is. Is it? It is. It is what?!

It is okay, I tell you. I will clean it up myself.

I am just glad that I have such positive people around me to help me cope with reality. I hope they are still intact with themselves, aware of this hormonal imbalance in me and not planning to hate me any time soon, because I am beginning to hate myself. 

On a brighter note, I get to test drive a BMW yesterday. Jangan mawahhhhh.