136 / Four, soon

3. Soon to be 4. 

It sounds like a simple mathematical equation. But it isn’t, because somewhere between 3 and 4, an entire universe shifts.

The dining table changes. The seating arrangement changes. The family photos change. The routines change. The noise level definitely changes. And somehow, somewhere along the way, the heart learns how to make room for one more person.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about endings. Not sad endings, but the kind where you don’t realise something is ending until it already has.

The last school run as a family of three. The last random dinner outside as a family of three. The last time it is just Adra and us. The last stretch of knowing exactly what our normal looks like. Because soon, our normal will become something else. And I think that is what makes this “shift” feel so strange.

Beautiful. But strange.

Life has been moving very quickly. Work has been demanding. Busy. The kind of busy that follows you home. The kind that sits next to you while you’re eating dinner with the fam. The kind that waits for you after everyone goes to sleep.

Some days I find my head buried deep in writing or reviewing stuff for work. Some days I wonder if my blood pressure machine is lying to me. Some days I feel like I am not present enough at home. Most days I think about other weird things that stay rent free in my head, all at the same time.

Then there is Adra, who somehow managed to stop being a baby while I was distracted.

Seven years old. Seven.

I still remember carrying her around with one arm. Now she carries opinions. Strong ones. I have no idea where she got that from, hehe. 

And through all of this, there is him. The constant. My constant. The person who silently absorbs more than half, if not all, of the chaos so I can function.

People always notice the big things. The flowers. The gifts. The anniversaries. But I think the real stuff lives elsewhere.

It lives in school pickups. Always being present for check-ups. Cooking. Cleaning. Doing the laundry. Late-night pharmacy or mamak runs. Driving when you’re too tired. Listening when you’re too overwhelmed. Being patient when pregnancy turns you into someone who cries because the sambal of the nasi lemak tastes different.

Again. And again.

And somehow, still choosing kindness.

I don’t say this enough. But if there is one reason this partnership feels manageable, it is because I have never had to carry it alone.

He has been my safe place, which feels ridiculous when I think about it. And yet, here we are. Still choosing each other. Still figuring things out. Still laughing at things nobody else would understand. Still building this life, one ordinary day at a time.

A lot is about to change. But some things won’t. And I think that’s what gives me comfort.

May Allah ease our journey moving forward. No matter how different life looks a few weeks from now, the four of us will find a way to make it work, eventually. We always do. For now, I am just sitting in this little space between what was and what will be. 

Trying to memorise it.

Before 3 becomes 4.