135 / 2025 abyss

Year in year out, the same old weight burdens. 

The addiction lingers like a silent plague, seeping into the crevices of my soul, unwelcome yet insidious, defying my every attempt to exorcise it. It is a shadow that thrives on my resistance, a siren call I cannot unhear, pulling me into the same abyss over and over again. Like gravity, it demands surrender. Like a haunting, it ensures I am never alone. I fall, not because I choose to, but because the pattern has etched itself into the fabric of my being, an unrelenting rhythm that binds me to my undoing.

Make no mistake. It is an abyss, and it bears no bliss. Seeking its validation feels like chasing a ghost through a labyrinth I can never escape. Its absence carved a void so deep that calls for unreciprocated approval, as though its acknowledgment could stitch together the pieces of me it left behind. It’s an addiction, a relentless pull into the emptiness it created, like gravity dragging me into the same unyielding pattern, with no way but down, even as I know its silence will never fill the spaces it abandoned.

May I no longer drag this intangible heaviness with me this 2025. 

134 / Hello 2024

2023 has been eventful for me. The bulk of it involved the intricate mosaic of my transition from KL to the tranquil Sarawak - a journey that filled with nothing but both challenges and enriching experiences in 1001 unexpected ways.

It began with the loss of my dear grandmother in September, shortly after I relocated. In between my emotional tempests, the new friends I made in Sarawak became my anchor to reality, to make sure I don’t go astray while I’m here.

It was a whirlwind. I had to acclimate with the vernacular nuances, a stark departure from the usual. Had to also pickup a new language. Navigating this linguistic labyrinth is a massive work in progress and from my end it hasn't been easy, yet I find the journey rather rewarding still. 

The pulse of life here beats at a markedly different tempo too. It is a refreshing personally, compared to KL's frenetic rhythm. The pace is much slower, calmer. Every breath I draw is drawn wholly, fully. Inhale. Exhale. That’s the art of living. Life's simple joy that I have taken for granted before.

It doesn’t help that despite being five months in, I am still struggling with the weekly back and forth from KUL - KCH, vice versa. Undoubtedly demanding on both sides, but it has also strengthened our familial bond, not just between me and my small unit, but also with my siblings, and moms. I can still remember the comments I received from a few people, saying I won’t be able to keep up with the weekly transit because it will be damn tiring. I told them WATCH ME. I’m still holding on to the weekly commute because my family in KL needs me but to be honest I do question my life choices every now and then. 

Despite all that, this transition has helped uncover a newfound sense of independence for me, as an individual. Of living solo and independently. That is no longer an uncharted territory. It's all about self-reliance and the art of embracing solitude. I learnt to count on me. That I can count on me. That I should count on me. 

I know it has only been five months, but the journey continues to unfold.. With lotsa of twists and turns. Each challenge faced is like a beautiful stroke on my not so blank canvas. My canvas. The canvas that is now progressively painting my journey and wherever it may take me. 

May I continue to be as strong, if not stronger this 2024. 

133 / Embracing change

As I stand at the threshold of a new chapter in my life, I am filled with a mix of excitement and trepidation. The decision to step out of my comfort zone and embark on a new journey was not an easy one, but it's a leap of faith that I am taking with unwavering determination. This new path may be in a different state, miles away from my family, but it is also a choice driven by the deep desire to provide them with the best opportunities and a brighter future. 

Leaving the familiar behind is undoubtedly a challenge, yet I am fueled by the vision of growth and evolution that lies ahead. Each day, I am reminded of the sacrifices we make for our loved ones, and this step is no exception. I love them and this is for them. It's a testament to the boundless love and commitment that bind families together. As I navigate this distance, I carry with me the profound belief that this sacrifice will not only enrich the lives of those I hold dear but also allow me to explore new horizons, both personally and professionally.

This journey is about more than just physical distance - it's a journey of self-discovery and upskilling. Stepping into a new environment means immersing myself in fresh challenges and learning opportunities. I am eager to embrace the unfamiliar, broaden my skill set, and embrace the chance to acquire knowledge from a different perspective. Every encounter, every experience is a chance for growth, and I am ready to seize it with open arms.

So.. here's to embracing change, and Sarawak, here I come!

132 / We are progressing

In twilight's haven, I find my bliss,

Contentment whispers, a tranquil kiss.

Yet beckoning whispers in the air,

Lead me beyond, to venture and dare.

Bound by comfort, I thrive and reside,

But progress calls, a longing inside.

To bloom and grow, I must take my flight,

Embracing change, chasing dreams in sight.

Happiness dwells in both where I am,

And in the progress of my soul's exam.

In balance, I'll find my sacred space,

Content where I stay, and in the steps I embrace.

131 / I am the cage

The concept of impermanence is a fundamental truth in life, and one of its expressions is that everything fades and nothing lasts forever. From the passing of time to the impermanence of relationships, everything in life is in a constant state of flux. Even the most significant and profound moments and experiences eventually become distant memories that fade over time. While this can be challenging to accept, it also highlights the importance of living in the present moment and cherishing every experience as it happens.

As it is, everything fades and nothing lasts.