Fifty Nine / There Goes My Hero

It was 12:48pm when I received that deadly unforgettable call from my youngest sister, Baby. 

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I woke up at 8am that morning, I went out of my room and as per usual, the first thing I see is you. Sitting on your favourite sofa, and I rose my hand as a gesture of saying 'hi!'. It was a Sunday, and it was early. By 9:30am, I was already getting ready for work.

You called me. "Ain! Ain! Meh sini kejap."

I was still getting ready for work. "Kejap, Tok.. Kejap!"

You called me again. "Ainnnn! Meh la kejap.. Duduk dengan Atuk!"

I gave up. I went to him and asked. "Ye Atuk. Kenapa? Atuk ok tak? Nak pape ke?"

You replied, "Atuk nak duduk atas wheel chair.. Tolong angkat Atuk."

Well this favourite man of mine, he might be thin, fleshless, but he wasn't light. I called my grandma to help me carry him. And we did. He was transferred from his favourite sofa to his wheelies. So I went back to my room, and get myself ready for work.

It was 10:30pm. I went out of my room and as per usual, the first thing I see is you. I walked up to you. You have been transferred (again) from your wheelies to your favourite sofa. I shrugged. I thought I just transferred him to his wheelies earlier before?

"Kenapa Atuk duduk kat sofa balik?"

"Atuk nak tidur lah.."

"Okay.."

I touched your forehead. Heaty. He's down with an on/off fever since last Friday. 

"Atuk dah makan ubat?"

He nodds, with his eyes closed. He looked so tired. But he has always been tired every now and then, so it wasn't an unusual sight to any of us. But I got worried and asked my youngest sister, Baby, to check his sugar level.

Believe it or not, it was 16.7. That is really high. He's no longer under insulin. Which means his sugar level is controllable. But it was unusually high today, I asked Mama to send him to the hospital. She said she's been wanting to send Atuk to the hospital, because of his fever, but he refused. Big time.

So before I left the house for work, I went to him and talked to him. He wasn't as responsive as before, but he kept on going. I told Baby to call me if anything were to happen.

I kissed his right cheek. I kissed his left cheek. I kissed his forehead.

"Kakak pergi kerja dulu, okay Atuk?"

"Okay.. Pergilah.."

So I went.

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It was 12:48pm when I received that deadly unforgettable call from my youngest sister, Baby.

I was on standby (thank God) and all I did was lazing around looking for useful information for my Special Report. My phone rang. It says "Baby" with her face on the screen. I answered. The line wasn't good but surprisingly it wasn't as bad as it usually is. Baby was crying. She was crying and sobbing as she utter these words.

"Katin.. Balik laa.. Atuk dah teruk dah ni.."

"Kenapa Atuk teruk pula? He was okay when I saw him just now?"

"He couldn't breathe Katin. I cannot see him this way, please come back now,"

"Call la the ambulance!"

 

"Dah call but they have not arrived!"

I was already crying in the office, giving instructions to Baby. A colleague saw the small self chaos between me and my sister, and he asked me to go back. And I did.

On the way back, to my disappointment, ALL THE FREAKING TRAFFIC LIGHTS WERE RED. I was cursing and crying and wailing and screaming. All in one. Alone. In the car. I have never seen myself THAT impatient before.

I went out the office at 12:58pm. I arrived home at 1:08pm. 

However, that was the longest 10 minutes that felt like forever.

I arrived home and saw the ambulance parked in my porch. My heart went dag dig dug. I saw my brother, Iman at the balcony, giving me that "WHY ARE YOU LATE" look. My heart went dag dig dug times four.

I went up. Everyone was in the room. In Atuk's room. Uwan, Mama, Papa, Iman, Muhammad, Adik, Baby. Even my pembantu rumah was in there. Uwan was sitting helplessly on the sofa. Mama was reciting Yaasin. Adik was crying. Baby couldn't talk. Muhammad kept quiet. Iman looked away. 

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" I asked Mama. 

"Look." she said. And I did. 

The paramedics were trying to resuscitate him. They were trying so hard that it looked as though they're hurting my grandfather. I wanted them to stop. If he's gone then let him. Don't hurt him.

10 minutes later, at 1:20pm. The paramedics stopped.

"We have tried our best.. But he didn't respond. We are really sorry for your loss."

Those words. Those three sentences. My heart dropped. I couldn't breathe. Muhammad was already sobbing. Iman went out of the room. Adik and Baby were hugging each other so hard I can barely see their faces. Mama was the strongest. She didn't shed a single tear. It was so surreal. I must be dreaming, I said to myself.

Just three hours ago, I was talking to you.

Just three hours ago, I was touching you.

Just three hours ago, just three hours ago.

I went in my room. I became angry. I didn't cry. But I was angry with myself. When I've calmed myself down, I went out.

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It was 1:45 in the afternoon, I went out my room and as per usual, the first thing I see is your favourite sofa. Without you sitting on it, smiling and waving.

Now, the question is, to who do I wave to now?

We know you're tired. You have had enough. Living with diabetese half your life, you must be sick of it. We understand.

Approximately 3 months ago, I posted about Atuk. I would like to paraphrase. You did not fail on me, Atuk. You never did. You are, in fact, a warrior to me. A survivor.

My hero survived, survived spritually.

I love you Atuk. I really do. May we see each other again, insyaAllah.

For those who doesn't know Atuk, you can click play on the Youtube video above. A short video I made for my favourite man in the world, my grandfather. And so I've lost my idol.
 
According to my brothers, Atuk wasn't heavy when he passed. When they want to carry his body from his room to the living room downstairs, only 2 people carried him and that did it.

According to my brothers, when they want to transfer Atuk's body from the ground to the liang lahad, only 3 people handled him with care.

He was lighter than when he was alive. Subhanallah. He smiled. He looked so peaceful, and he looked like he's had enough. For the past 82 years of living, he's lived the life he wanted.

1 beautiful loving wife. 5 awesome children. 16 tremendously cute slit eyed grandchildren.

Kakak redha, Atuk.

Al Fatihah.