Oh wow. I don't know where to begin? It took me 4 months to write this post.
*inhale*
I hope all of you are doing well, fine and dandy. Me? I'm okay, I guess. Still coping with a few losses I faced a few months ago.
*exhale slowly*
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to sound ungrateful, not at all. I am truly happy with what God has granted me with thus far - the best husband, a loving family, beautiful friends, a great job, an understanding boss and amazing colleagues. I am blessed with a comfortable place to live in, working transportation to move around with, abundance of food to eat, and many other things that I am forever thankful for.
Unfortunately,
12 days after my previous post on this blog, I lost my dad. My real dad. My biological dad. My one and only dad. He succumed to blood cancer. Acute leukemia, they call it. Not cute at all.
12 days after my dad passed away, I miscarried at 10 and a half weeks. Yeap, that one thing both my husband and I wanted so much, left us too. Way too soon.
But it's okay, Allah is great and fair. We were probably not ready to care for another human being yet, who knows. It has happened and we have moved on.
Apart from moving on, both my husband and I realized that we have learnt so much from all these catastrophes (a blessing in disguise, I must say) that stroke our lives.
Growing up, I was not so close to Ayah - I lived with his parents instead, (my late grandfather and my beautiful grandmother) - until a few years ago. Growing up, there were so many unanswered questions but as I grow older, we started having proper conversation about things, about life, and answers to all my questions slowly unfolded itself. Us talking made us closer.
Growing up, I was not so close to Ayah - I lived with his parents instead, (my late grandfather and my beautiful grandmother) - until a few years ago. Growing up, there were so many unanswered questions but as I grow older, we started having proper conversation about things, about life, and answers to all my questions slowly unfolded itself. Us talking made us closer.
He was a good man. A great father.
Probably the greatest father.
Ayah,
I wish I could understand your pain. I want to know what you lived for, what your fears are. I wish we had a little more time with each other so I could talk to you and get to know you more. Talking to you is like, reading an unputdownable book - not knowing what comes next, but is eager to find out.
But you went, anyway.
It was all so fast, dad. You were so healthy. Few days before you fell sick, you were still gardening in your yard. You sent me a photo on WhatsApp - a photo of you lying on your hammock outside your house with a caption "Good weather in Pulau Indah today, can rest and sleep on this hammock I made." You traveled here and there. You could still carry your big fat daughter (believe it or not) on my wedding day.
Probably the greatest father.
 |
| My dad and I after my akad nikah. |
I wish I could understand your pain. I want to know what you lived for, what your fears are. I wish we had a little more time with each other so I could talk to you and get to know you more. Talking to you is like, reading an unputdownable book - not knowing what comes next, but is eager to find out.
But you went, anyway.
It was all so fast, dad. You were so healthy. Few days before you fell sick, you were still gardening in your yard. You sent me a photo on WhatsApp - a photo of you lying on your hammock outside your house with a caption "Good weather in Pulau Indah today, can rest and sleep on this hammock I made." You traveled here and there. You could still carry your big fat daughter (believe it or not) on my wedding day.
You were a strong man.
Again, chronologically speaking, it all happened so fast.
Saturday, we met for late lunch. You were down with fever but you kept me company. We talked and talked about how things are with you and Ibu. You were happy. There was nothing peculiar about you, only that your eyebags were visible. Like you have not had proper sleep in days.
Sunday, Ibu called and told me you couldn't breathe properly. The fever have subsided but you had problem breathing. You went to the clinic and the doctor nebulized you. Shortly after that, they forced you to go to the hospital. You were reluctant and said you wanted to stay home but we made you go anyway.
Monday, we have been in the hospital since Sunday night to look after you. They put you in the CCU. I could not comprehend the situation. You looked healthy. You could still laugh and talk normally. Why were you placed in the CCU? It was all very confusing. We took turns to go in. You were still yourself, albeit having breathing difficties, you kept on talking. Uwan told you to stop talking, the doctor wanted you to keep your breathing steady but you talked anyway. You talked as if it was your last day in the world. You held my hand. I told you I love you. You told me you love me too and you smiled. I kissed your forehead. I hugged you. Ibu wanted to have a moment with you. I left the room. The next thing I know, you were already in an induced comma.
Tuesday, you were still in a comma, probably wondering around.. We slept over the hospital for the third (consecutive) day. We went home to rest for the first time that night. Before we left, I kissed your forehead. When I got home, Ibu texted me and said a tear drop fell from the corner of your eyes that night. I told her it's okay, things will get better. We will be there in the morning so she could have some rest.
Wednesday, at 6:30am, Cik Mamat called me and said that you're no longer responding to the medication. He asked us to rush to the hospital the soonest.
An hour after that, you left us.
Again, chronologically speaking, it all happened so fast.
Saturday, we met for late lunch. You were down with fever but you kept me company. We talked and talked about how things are with you and Ibu. You were happy. There was nothing peculiar about you, only that your eyebags were visible. Like you have not had proper sleep in days.
Sunday, Ibu called and told me you couldn't breathe properly. The fever have subsided but you had problem breathing. You went to the clinic and the doctor nebulized you. Shortly after that, they forced you to go to the hospital. You were reluctant and said you wanted to stay home but we made you go anyway.
Monday, we have been in the hospital since Sunday night to look after you. They put you in the CCU. I could not comprehend the situation. You looked healthy. You could still laugh and talk normally. Why were you placed in the CCU? It was all very confusing. We took turns to go in. You were still yourself, albeit having breathing difficties, you kept on talking. Uwan told you to stop talking, the doctor wanted you to keep your breathing steady but you talked anyway. You talked as if it was your last day in the world. You held my hand. I told you I love you. You told me you love me too and you smiled. I kissed your forehead. I hugged you. Ibu wanted to have a moment with you. I left the room. The next thing I know, you were already in an induced comma.
Tuesday, you were still in a comma, probably wondering around.. We slept over the hospital for the third (consecutive) day. We went home to rest for the first time that night. Before we left, I kissed your forehead. When I got home, Ibu texted me and said a tear drop fell from the corner of your eyes that night. I told her it's okay, things will get better. We will be there in the morning so she could have some rest.
Wednesday, at 6:30am, Cik Mamat called me and said that you're no longer responding to the medication. He asked us to rush to the hospital the soonest.
An hour after that, you left us.
Forever.
Well, forever is not too far away, the world is ending soon anyway, ad in sha Allah we will be seeing you again, Ayah.
We love you.
Regardless all the unfortunate event that occurred in my life, I am very thankful for the husband God granted me with, especially at this ever so challenging and trying state I am in.
Regardless all the unfortunate event that occurred in my life, I am very thankful for the husband God granted me with, especially at this ever so challenging and trying state I am in.
Azizan is the most loving, patient, understanding and caring man I have ever known. He was that one person who is always there to help me out physically and mentally, through thick and thin, without a single grunt or even a sigh.
Thank you for lending him to me, Ya Allah, I am forever grateful and I cannot imagine life without him.
You might not know my father personally, but if it's not too much, can I please take a little bit of your time to recite Al Fatihah for my late father, Haji Zulkifli Haji Harun. May Allah grant him peace and give him the blessings he deserve. May Allah make him among the inhabitants of Jannah and may Allah spare him from the punishments of jahannam and the grave.
May Allah make both dunya and akhirah easy for us and help us through hard times.
Amin ya rabbal 'aalamin.
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